Phone started ringing at like 12AM, we met at the Shell earlier, she just got in… And was wondering, if I was still with my friends and if I wasn’t if I wanted to come see her a minute…
Well.. I guess it depends, on what she’s got in mind and if she’s got any kids (yeah)… Nah, nevermind, I’ll probably just chill at the crib. A couple of minutes later, it started ringing again…
The number looked familiar but ain’t saved in my phone. I’m drunk, so I said fuck it, I’m gonna answer, hello?…
The voice said, I know that you can’t stand me, but you remember me? It’s Brandi?
I said the one I used to wax like a candle? The one that it was never nothing that she couldn’t handle? The one that said I used to fuck her better than her man do?
She replied like, yeah so? But what you doing now though? Henny talking on both shoulders, dog this chick like Alpo…
Told her nothing, bout to roll up. Ima come over there hold up, now this Operation’s covert… “no man” is the code word.
Learned from my mistakes, so it’s no way I’m gon slip, I only pistol whip with Magnums on some Goldeneye shit. Only visiting for now, but always packing for a trip. With him she been wishing it was me inside them hips.
Neighbors probably hear the knocking. And it’ll stay like this as long as she keep calling. Fuck it if he don’t like it, true story, I ain’t even have to write this.
No man has seen the things I’ve seen, both for myself and regularly
If there can be such thing as regularity living someone else’s fantasy
Where a blessing for one man, leads to a curse for another
Is this how it was intended? I didn’t see it quite like this
To imagine great successes on the backs of someone else
Still a portion of them think that this is justice at its best
To continue in this manner, should I really be this shocked?
When I probe into the future, I see shit we thought had stopped…
Image by Kuldar Leement
Angelic voices and devilish figures.
Such dangerous creatures come out in the night.
There’s no one to save you,
The homies slipped too.
Like “fuck, what’d I get myself into?”
As the Captain of ship,
dude that planned the whole trip.
You would think that I’d keep us on course.
But on islands of thought, so far from the mainland,
I’d let my brothers drift astray.
There was noise all about, from my boys in and out, when I heard someone singing along.
As I turned there she was almost singing to me,
in a way that was hard to resist.
Being drawn to the sound, I approached with a smile
her voice now the only I hear.
The air became heavy, the closer I got, then the music and voices all fade.
It was silence now loudest, as I stood right in front her
feeling myself grasp for air.
Just standing and watching as I reached for something
that’s no longer meant to be had.
All I hear now, is wailing the sirens are calling
from sunset to sunrise across the horizon.
I just can’t seem to seize this moment. I’ve been so close and I admit I believe that there may be hope yet. The right day, the right atmosphere and I can have you. If only for one night. Just focus. Listen friend, we should really do some exploring. Can you just take a moment to hear me out?…
I get, happy feelings from your name in my notification window. Never a dull moment, steady sips of innuendo. I want to be myself, sometimes, but I must remember. While I want to be your lover, you just want to be a friend though.
We text like half the day, about work and the justice system. I spend the time between response thinking of what I’m missing. You’ve got the perfect shape, and I’m so in love with your figure. I could be your perfect lover but I’m just another nigga.
When you hit me up on Snapchat, I always hope it’s a picture. But it never is and it snaps me outta my feelings. We been friends since high school and I’ve watched as you’ve gotten thicker. But since you know my exes, you won’t let me see your nipples.
If I had a flashy thing, like Men in Black after contact. I’d erase the memories that have caused you to overreact. Decisions of my past, reincarnated just to haunt me. I seriously want you, I just wish that you would want me.
Passion is defined as being a “barely controllable” emotion. When properly nurtured, passion can sprout from a genuine connection and be safely devoured whole. The cultivation and preparation of true passion, though, is as rare as it is dangerous. A drug of sorts, that I must admit to being an abuser of. As with certain other drugs, there are good highs and bad highs. For the sake of happy endings everywhere, I’ll share one of those good highs with you.
A few years back, I was at a concert. The artist is a stoney, mellowed out rapper, so the crowd this night was especially chill. About the time the concert was ending, I made eye contact with a shorty across the room. It was packed so there was no way I could make it to her. I chalked it up as me just being on some fly shit, per usual, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. She had made her way, through the crowd and over to me to compliment my attire. “I like your sweatshirt” she said. Completely off guard, I froze and ending up staring at her. She was and still is gorgeous. Anyway, I got her number and was pretty much done with the concert for the night. I was plotting my next move, of course.
I decided to play it cool, but not too cool because this girl was a visualized fantasy of mine. Curly hair, gorgeous smile and a set of lips Kylie Jenner would be jealous of. I texted her the next day, hoping she wasn’t a walking blackout when she gave me her number the night before. She replied within the 30 minute window of interest. Not even 3 texts into the conversation, she told me she wasn’t tryna be cuffed and guys were always trying to cuff her, unsuccessfully. Turns out she was an electrical engineering student at Vandy, about to graduate. I found this interesting because I love smart women, but it also let me know to live in the now with her, not the future. And that, is precisely what we did.
For about a month, we went out to dinner when we could, even smoked a few js together. She was always pretty busy with school and I was working full time, so any moments together were precious to me. We had shared a few kisses together and now Valentine’s Day was coming up. I asked her for a date on the occasion and she agreed. I’d gotten her an edible arrangement and a teddy for her little surprise gifts. She lit up, in a way that said “this guy really likes me.” The wait for our table at J Alexander’s was pretty long, so in anticipation she brought some Jack Daniels for us to drink while we waited. By the time our timer buzzed,we both smelled of whiskey and cantaloupe juice from the fruit arrangement.
Once inside the restaurant the night continued on the light and airy path we’d started down. Chemistry and whiskey are one hell of a mix, along with Shorty’s intellect and appearance, it was causing a chemical reaction within me. Of course, the only way to enjoy the full experience would be to add a bottle of wine on top. We shared the bottle over dinner and it was on to the next phase. There’s a little part of town called “Love Circle” and there, you can see the entire cityscape from the top. When we arrived, there was already a fair share of cars parked, undoubtedly on the same thing we were on. We sparked a j, laughed together and even peed outside the car together. As completely out of it as we both were by now, luckily, her dorm was pretty much across the street, so we jettisoned there without making police contact.
When we arrived on campus, we bumped into a plethora of couples and friendly faces, all clearly calling out how way up we were. True, we were pretty inebriated but no doubt it was due to the fluttery passion we had been harvesting all night. As she held my hand, dragging me through campus on the way to her dorm, the nebulas were rising. After being heckled a bit more, we made it back to her dorm and I remember sitting on a couch. Above the couch, was a poster of the Notorious B.I.G puffing on a dutch. As I stared at the poster, reminiscing on what an amazing artist he was, I felt hands push me in the chest. Falling back, I looked up and there was everything that the night was supposed to be climbing on top of me.
Admittedly, I don’t remember much else from that point, except that all the passion that had built up between us was being unleashed. Two other people were in that room that night, very different from the ones who walked in. Truthfully, they’d been with us everywhere we’d gone until then, it just took the right mix of chemistry and chemicals to manifest. Somewhere, within myself and maybe her, those two still rest, waiting patiently to be called upon once more.
Maybe it’s possible, ponder the thought
we’ll get what we want, but probably not.
As surely as summer is hottest in August,
the one thing that’s promised, is nothing is promised.