Those who look for the bad in people, will surely find it.
The older I get, the harder it becomes to trust people. Anyone. In all honesty, I find it difficult to trust or believe my own mother’s motives and reasoning so everyone else is pretty much doomed. I think this may be part of the reason I have issues with women and relationships, but this isn’t a counseling session post so I won’t harp too greatly on that now. I’m understanding of women with trust issues because I go through it myself, although, there are things I’ve learned on my journey that help me cope with my own issues, as not to project them onto others. See, every relationship, for the past 5 years of my life, has been akin to the sexual experience I shared with my partner at the time. There was anticipation, build up, climax and then the inevitable, come down (or in some cases, let down). I knew the let down would come, I anticipated and was always prepared for it. But this time? Things are different. I was neither anticipating, nor prepared for the let down that was to come…
It was a Thursday night, my favorite night of the week because it’s usually when I have the most freedom to get inebriated without consequence. My weekends are my father/son time, so for me, Thursday nights have morphed into Friday and Saturday nights. It’s also difficult because I’m torn between kicking it with the homies or caking the night away. This particular Thursday night was going to be the best in a few weeks. Football was back, the Italian Job was on her way and we were in make up mode. We had a small spat earlier in the week, which was quickly reconciled but we hadn’t seen each other since it occurred. Before I had even left my office, she sent a “Do you have any adult beverages?” text. I had already launched a preemptive strike on my local wine & spirits shop the day before, so I was ready for the ensuing invasion. Shorty is so intellectual I knew when she asked, she had something more in mind for the night. I dipped out of the office, nothing but optimistic for what the night would hold.
I get off a few hours before her, so I knew I’d have time to go home and setup everything I needed to switch my place from the lion’s den to feng shui. By the time I was done, there were perfect vacuum lines on the carpet, candles & aromatics from floor to ceiling and Ms. Badu resonating through the bluetooth speakers. I’m telling y’all, it was so perfect I can feel the mood still as I type about it. I couldn’t wait for her to pull up, the NFL season was kicking off, so I went ahead and started – a bit before she arrived. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that decision, to start drinking early would play a major part in the events that ensued.
A few minutes into the first quarter, she arrived just as I finished twisting up. Perfect timing. I’m not much for peer pressure, but smoking with a woman is one of my favorite past times. She’s not half the stoner I am and we actually had never shared before, but like I said earlier I was optimistic about this night. She came in, we spoke briefly about our minor blip and moved forward to other things. We both started taking shots, in between sharing feelings and hopes for each other and where things could go. The eye gazing and smiles graduated to caressing and kisses as the game, along with Ms. Badu played as the back drop. I lit the J, she took a puff and we went to another dimension. Somewhere I thought no one from the outside would be able to reach us. I was wrong.
After a few more shots, I was faded and feeling X-rated. She and I had never actually had sex together, just a bit of fooling around and exploring one another’s anatomy. There’s this thing she does…. Nevermind. Back to the story…
We decided to move things into the bedroom, for more comfort and to close the proximity between ourselves. I turned off the speakers and brought my phone into the bedroom, to continue the atmosphere that was created by Pandora’s Badu station. For a few hours we dillied, dallied and giggled together. She’d never stayed the night with me before, so I was trying to finesse that when at some point I passed out. Here’s where the story turns into the clusterfuck you probably expected after the 1st paragraph.
At some point, Ms. Lasagna & Breadsticks decided to go through my phone. Now… We have shared several intimate moments together, dated for a year but never officially declared ourselves to one another. I had tickets to my home team’s NFL opener on that coming Sunday, which I procured during our spat, so earlier that week I was proactively searching for someone to go with. Admittedly, I reached out to a few female friends who are pretty easy on the eyes. I figured if I was gonna give someone a free ticket that I paid for, better it be a female than some dude. Ms. Cannoli saw these messages and honestly only God and her knows what else. Needless to say she was not happy about it. She woke me up, fully dressed and lights on, which was totally different from how things were before I passed out, and told me she was leaving. At this point, I was still clueless that all this had happened, until she said it was the last time I’d see her. As painful as that honestly was, I was in no condition to plead my case or appeal. Though I was confused, as great as things had been that night, why even take the chance of potentially ruining such a great high?
The things that she saw, to me, all completely non relevant people and conversations in my life. I never dated, slept with, licked, or touched any one that she saw me converse with. Though, I can understand why she’d feel the way she does, but it brings me to the point of this entire post. If you go looking for something negative, you will most assuredly find it. Why do we, distrustful of others, constantly feel the need to sabotage anything good that happens? Things can be taken completely out of context (one of the friends I reached out to shares the same name as me, she thought I was referring to her as my wife). The situation has however, helped me realize the importance of focusing on the positive and communicating. Then, it brings me 360 degrees the other way we I think how I would have reacted had I gone through her phone. But, I’m brought back to reality and stable ground when I realize I’d never go through her phone, because I fully understand the consequences.