Keep Scrollin to the Left… Or Don’t.

Those who look for the bad in people, will surely find it.

-Abraham Lincoln

The older I get, the harder it becomes to trust people. Anyone. In all honesty, I find it difficult to trust or believe my own mother’s motives and reasoning so everyone else is pretty much doomed. I think this may be part of the reason I have issues with women and relationships, but this isn’t a counseling session post so I won’t harp too greatly on that now. I’m understanding of women with trust issues because I go through it myself, although, there are things I’ve learned on my journey that help me cope with my own issues, as not to project them onto others. See, every relationship, for the past 5 years of my life, has been akin to the sexual experience I shared with my partner at the time. There was anticipation, build up, climax and then the inevitable, come down (or in some cases, let down). I knew the let down would come, I anticipated and was always prepared for it. But this time? Things are different. I was neither anticipating, nor prepared for the let down that was to come…

It was a Thursday night, my favorite night of the week because it’s usually when I have the most freedom to get inebriated without consequence. My weekends are my father/son time, so for me, Thursday nights have morphed into Friday and Saturday nights. It’s also difficult because I’m torn between kicking it with the homies or caking the night away. This particular Thursday night was going to be the best in a few weeks. Football was back, the Italian Job was on her way and we were in make up mode. We had a small spat earlier in the week, which was quickly reconciled but we hadn’t seen each other since it occurred. Before I had even left my office, she sent a “Do you have any adult beverages?” text. I had already launched a preemptive strike on my local wine & spirits shop the day before, so I was ready for the ensuing invasion. Shorty is so intellectual I knew when she asked, she had something more in mind for the night. I dipped out of the office, nothing but optimistic for what the night would hold.

I get off a few hours before her, so I knew I’d have time to go home and setup everything I needed to switch my place from the lion’s den to feng shui. By the time I was done, there were perfect vacuum lines on the carpet, candles & aromatics from floor to ceiling and Ms. Badu resonating through the bluetooth speakers. I’m telling y’all, it was so perfect I can feel the mood still as I type about it. I couldn’t wait for her to pull up, the NFL season was kicking off, so I went ahead and started – a bit before she arrived. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that decision, to start drinking early would play a major part in the events that ensued.

A few minutes into the first quarter, she arrived just as I finished twisting up. Perfect timing. I’m not much for peer pressure, but smoking with a woman is one of my favorite past times. She’s not half the stoner I am and we actually had never shared before, but like I said earlier I was optimistic about this night. She came in, we spoke briefly about our minor blip and moved forward to other things. We both started taking shots, in between sharing feelings and hopes for each other and where things could go. The eye gazing and smiles graduated to caressing and kisses as the game, along with Ms. Badu played as the back drop. I lit the J, she took a puff and we went to another dimension. Somewhere I thought no one from the outside would be able to reach us. I was wrong.

After a few more shots, I was faded and feeling X-rated. She and I had never actually had sex together, just a bit of fooling around and exploring one another’s anatomy. There’s this thing she does…. Nevermind. Back to the story…

We decided to move things into the bedroom, for more comfort and to close the proximity between ourselves. I turned off the speakers and brought my phone into the bedroom, to continue the atmosphere that was created by Pandora’s Badu station. For a few hours we dillied, dallied and giggled together. She’d never stayed the night with me before, so I was trying to finesse that when at some point I passed out. Here’s where the story turns into the clusterfuck you probably expected after the 1st paragraph.

At some point, Ms. Lasagna & Breadsticks decided to go through my phone. Now… We have shared several intimate moments together, dated for a year but never officially declared ourselves to one another. I had tickets to my home team’s NFL opener on that coming Sunday, which I procured during our spat, so earlier that week I was proactively searching for someone to go with. Admittedly, I reached out to a few female friends who are pretty easy on the eyes. I figured if I was gonna give someone a free ticket that I paid for, better it be a female than some dude. Ms. Cannoli saw these messages and honestly only God and her knows what else. Needless to say she was not happy about it. She woke me up, fully dressed and lights on, which was totally different from how things were before I passed out, and told me she was leaving. At this point, I was still clueless that all this had happened, until she said it was the last time I’d see her. As painful as that honestly was, I was in no condition to plead my case or appeal. Though I was confused, as great as things had been that night, why even take the chance of potentially ruining such a great high?

The things that she saw, to me, all completely non relevant people and conversations in my life. I never dated, slept with, licked, or touched any one that she saw me converse with. Though, I can understand why she’d feel the way she does, but it brings me to the point of this entire post. If you go looking for something negative, you will most assuredly find it. Why do we, distrustful of others, constantly feel the need to sabotage anything good that happens? Things can be taken completely out of context (one of the friends I reached out to shares the same name as me, she thought I was referring to her as my wife). The situation has however, helped me realize the importance of focusing on the positive and communicating. Then, it brings me 360 degrees the other way we I think how I would have reacted had I gone through her phone. But, I’m brought back to reality and stable ground when I realize I’d never go through her phone, because I fully understand the consequences.

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12 thoughts on “Keep Scrollin to the Left… Or Don’t.

  1. Is this a true story MM? If so: immediately put a lock on your phone. It’s odd she became a spy and started surveillance. Why? Weird. Did I read correctly…you were dating her…for a YEAR…and you had not had sex with her? Also…you definitely , absolutely, if at all possible…want to completely avoid jealous women. Non-jealous women DO exist. That is what you might want to try and look for in the future. Your Italian Stallion sounds like she got a tad jealous…over something entirely benign. She should never have been looking at your phone in the first place though. On to the next…MM. Don’t give up hope. Try not to give up trust either.

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    1. Haha thanks for the advice. I’ll definitely be locking that phone. I suspect maybe there was an urge to do it for a very long time and that was the best opportunity. Lol yes you read correctly. I agree with everything you’ve said, I try to be objective so I appreciate when y’all provide me with a different perspective. Thank you.

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  2. You have great storytelling skills, my friend.
    I have been that girl… only it was with a man I’d given my heart to who had cheated. I shouldn’t have taken him back for those few months because the trust was gone. That was like 10 years ago tho..

    Anyway, I totally agree that we shouldn’t be snooping through each other’s phones, emails or whatever. Really, what is the point? I also think, at least for me as a young tender, I needed reassurance. And I found the opposite.

    Why not make it “official” if she’s who you really want? I mean if it’s meant to be, she’ll learn to trust you again + you two can move forward together.

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    1. Thank you so much. I appreciate that Kelley, I always look forward to your feedback the most. Cheating is awful and people who do it are completely selfish. Most of the time, I feel like people won’t find reassurance doing that. Especially when you lack context if you don’t read entire strands. I tried to make it official, she told me it’d be awhile before she was a girlfriend. Maybe I should have listened.

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  3. Interesting story…..So you’ve been dating this lady for a full year and you decided to invite other females on a “date”? I’m just trying to understand..or was this an on and off relationship where she was still the main “female” you were involved with? What if she thought you were hiding something? How open were you guys? Something like this could’ve been completely avoided if you both knew where you stood in this “relationship” and if there was complete honesty to take out the questioning. It would’ve been great if you were able to record her side so us (your audience )could see from both sides what was happening. Interesting story. You are quite a writer. It was visualizing.

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    1. Thanks Molly! Yep we’ve dated for a year now. I admit that inviting other females probably wasn’t the best idea but my little meatball and I have been pretty on and off lately. She was absolutely my main focus though for sure. She felt like I was hiding something but since I wrote this, we had a conversation and actually recreated the entire night minus the phone invasion. Recording her side is actually a really good idea for a post! Thanks for reading and for the compliments!

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  4. Let me start by saying I am SO glad that I found my way back to this post! I agree with everyone above – snooping through your phone is kind of strange, especially since she doesn’t even want to be your girlfriend. I was never able to get with people who invade my privacy – makes me wonder if its a one time thing or if its recurring. Because, like Kelley was getting at, sometimes you slip up and make bad decisions like that with someone you’re really sweating. Again…her actions make it seem as if she wants more than what she’s asked for…so I’m confused like everyone else lol. I think the biggest lesson for me here was that your mind can totally warp a situation to fit any distorted fantasies that you’ve already been entertaining prior to that situation. It made me think about how many relationships with people I’ve ruined by jumping to conclusions such as the Italian Job. Man..

    OH! You’re a TRIP with deciding not to blow your high. I LITERALLY laughed my butt off when I read that. Hilarious! I agree with everyone above – your storytelling skills are off the chain lol

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