Ramblings of Unfinished…ness

La Sagrada familia is one of the most famous pieces of architecture in the world. It has fascinated me, in that it’s architect, Antoni Gaudi, died before his work could be finished. To this day, it remains unfinished in fact. The thought of beginning a project, something you know people will love, and not being able to see the completion bothered me. At first. Until I realized that I am unfinished as well, and may never be able to see what I intend for my completion to look like. 

But, if I can begin to craft what I intend for the finished product to look like. An outline, to provide an idea of what I had in mind and what I wanted my life’s work to look like… I acknowledge, things may not end up exactly like the blueprint. Do people find it more or less frustrating, to know beforehand, that the schedule of completion is tentative? Or would you prefer to believe things are on schedule, when just the opposite is true? 

Just a Friend pt.2

I just can’t seem to seize this moment. I’ve been so close and I admit I believe that there may be hope yet. The right day, the right atmosphere and I can have you. If only for one night. Just focus. Listen friend, we should really do some exploring. Can you just take a moment to hear me out?… 

I get, happy feelings from your name in my notification window. Never a dull moment, steady sips of innuendo. I want to be myself, sometimes, but I must remember. While I want to be your lover, you just want to be a friend though. 

We text like half the day, about work and the justice system. I spend the time between response thinking of what I’m missing. You’ve got the perfect shape, and I’m so in love with your figure. I could be your perfect lover but I’m just another nigga.

When you hit me up on Snapchat, I always hope it’s a picture. But it never is and it snaps me outta my feelings. We been friends since high school and I’ve watched as you’ve gotten thicker. But since you know my exes, you won’t let me see your nipples.

If I had a flashy thing, like Men in Black after contact. I’d erase the memories that have caused you to overreact. Decisions of my past, reincarnated just to haunt me. I seriously want you, I just wish that you would want me.

Passion and Fruit

Passion is defined as being a “barely controllable” emotion. When properly nurtured, passion can sprout from a genuine connection and be safely devoured whole. The cultivation and preparation of true passion, though, is as rare as it is dangerous. A drug of sorts, that I must admit to being an abuser of. As with certain other drugs, there are good highs and bad highs. For the sake of happy endings everywhere, I’ll share one of those good highs with you.

A few years back, I was at a concert. The artist is a stoney, mellowed out rapper, so the crowd this night was especially chill. About the time the concert was ending, I made eye contact with a shorty across the room. It was packed so there was no way I could make it to her. I chalked it up as me just being on some fly shit, per usual, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. She had made her way, through the crowd and over to me to compliment my attire. “I like your sweatshirt” she said. Completely off guard, I froze and ending up staring at her. She was and still is gorgeous. Anyway, I got her number and was pretty much done with the concert for the night. I was plotting my next move, of course.

I decided to play it cool, but not too cool because this girl was a visualized fantasy of mine. Curly hair, gorgeous smile and a set of lips Kylie Jenner would be jealous of. I texted her the next day, hoping she wasn’t a walking blackout when she gave me her number the night before. She replied within the 30 minute window of interest. Not even 3 texts into the conversation, she told me she wasn’t tryna be cuffed and guys were always trying to cuff her, unsuccessfully. Turns out she was an electrical engineering student at Vandy, about to graduate. I found this interesting because I love smart women, but it also let me know to live in the now with her, not the future. And that, is precisely what we did.

For about a month, we went out to dinner when we could, even smoked a few js together. She was always pretty busy with school and I was working full time, so any moments together were precious to me. We had shared a few kisses together and now Valentine’s Day was coming up. I asked her for a date on the occasion and she agreed. I’d gotten her an edible arrangement and a teddy for her little surprise gifts. She lit up, in a way that said “this guy really likes me.” The wait for our table at J Alexander’s was pretty long, so in anticipation she brought some Jack Daniels for us to drink while we waited. By the time our timer buzzed,we both smelled of whiskey and cantaloupe juice from the fruit arrangement.

Once inside the restaurant the night continued on the light and airy path we’d started down. Chemistry and whiskey are one hell of a mix, along with Shorty’s intellect and appearance, it was causing a chemical reaction within me. Of course, the only way to enjoy the full experience would be to add a bottle of wine on top. We shared the bottle over dinner and it was on to the next phase. There’s a little part of town called “Love Circle” and there, you can see the entire cityscape from the top. When we arrived, there was already a fair share of cars parked, undoubtedly on the same thing we were on. We sparked a j, laughed together and even peed outside the car together. As completely out of it as we both were by now, luckily, her dorm was pretty much across the street, so we jettisoned there without making police contact.

When we arrived on campus, we bumped into a plethora of couples and friendly faces, all clearly calling out how way up we were. True, we were pretty inebriated but no doubt it was due to the fluttery passion we had been harvesting all night. As she held my hand, dragging me through campus on the way to her dorm, the nebulas were rising. After being heckled a bit more, we made it back to her dorm and I remember sitting on a couch. Above the couch, was a poster of the Notorious B.I.G puffing on a dutch. As I stared at the poster, reminiscing on what an amazing artist he was, I felt hands push me in the chest. Falling back, I looked up and there was everything that the night was supposed to be climbing on top of me.

Admittedly, I don’t remember much else from that point, except that all the passion that had built up between us was being unleashed. Two other people were in that room that night, very different from the ones who walked in. Truthfully, they’d been with us everywhere we’d gone until then, it just took the right mix of chemistry and chemicals to manifest. Somewhere, within myself and maybe her, those two still rest, waiting patiently to be called upon once more.

Keep Scrollin to the Left… Or Don’t.

Those who look for the bad in people, will surely find it.

-Abraham Lincoln

The older I get, the harder it becomes to trust people. Anyone. In all honesty, I find it difficult to trust or believe my own mother’s motives and reasoning so everyone else is pretty much doomed. I think this may be part of the reason I have issues with women and relationships, but this isn’t a counseling session post so I won’t harp too greatly on that now. I’m understanding of women with trust issues because I go through it myself, although, there are things I’ve learned on my journey that help me cope with my own issues, as not to project them onto others. See, every relationship, for the past 5 years of my life, has been akin to the sexual experience I shared with my partner at the time. There was anticipation, build up, climax and then the inevitable, come down (or in some cases, let down). I knew the let down would come, I anticipated and was always prepared for it. But this time? Things are different. I was neither anticipating, nor prepared for the let down that was to come…

It was a Thursday night, my favorite night of the week because it’s usually when I have the most freedom to get inebriated without consequence. My weekends are my father/son time, so for me, Thursday nights have morphed into Friday and Saturday nights. It’s also difficult because I’m torn between kicking it with the homies or caking the night away. This particular Thursday night was going to be the best in a few weeks. Football was back, the Italian Job was on her way and we were in make up mode. We had a small spat earlier in the week, which was quickly reconciled but we hadn’t seen each other since it occurred. Before I had even left my office, she sent a “Do you have any adult beverages?” text. I had already launched a preemptive strike on my local wine & spirits shop the day before, so I was ready for the ensuing invasion. Shorty is so intellectual I knew when she asked, she had something more in mind for the night. I dipped out of the office, nothing but optimistic for what the night would hold.

I get off a few hours before her, so I knew I’d have time to go home and setup everything I needed to switch my place from the lion’s den to feng shui. By the time I was done, there were perfect vacuum lines on the carpet, candles & aromatics from floor to ceiling and Ms. Badu resonating through the bluetooth speakers. I’m telling y’all, it was so perfect I can feel the mood still as I type about it. I couldn’t wait for her to pull up, the NFL season was kicking off, so I went ahead and started – a bit before she arrived. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that decision, to start drinking early would play a major part in the events that ensued.

A few minutes into the first quarter, she arrived just as I finished twisting up. Perfect timing. I’m not much for peer pressure, but smoking with a woman is one of my favorite past times. She’s not half the stoner I am and we actually had never shared before, but like I said earlier I was optimistic about this night. She came in, we spoke briefly about our minor blip and moved forward to other things. We both started taking shots, in between sharing feelings and hopes for each other and where things could go. The eye gazing and smiles graduated to caressing and kisses as the game, along with Ms. Badu played as the back drop. I lit the J, she took a puff and we went to another dimension. Somewhere I thought no one from the outside would be able to reach us. I was wrong.

After a few more shots, I was faded and feeling X-rated. She and I had never actually had sex together, just a bit of fooling around and exploring one another’s anatomy. There’s this thing she does…. Nevermind. Back to the story…

We decided to move things into the bedroom, for more comfort and to close the proximity between ourselves. I turned off the speakers and brought my phone into the bedroom, to continue the atmosphere that was created by Pandora’s Badu station. For a few hours we dillied, dallied and giggled together. She’d never stayed the night with me before, so I was trying to finesse that when at some point I passed out. Here’s where the story turns into the clusterfuck you probably expected after the 1st paragraph.

At some point, Ms. Lasagna & Breadsticks decided to go through my phone. Now… We have shared several intimate moments together, dated for a year but never officially declared ourselves to one another. I had tickets to my home team’s NFL opener on that coming Sunday, which I procured during our spat, so earlier that week I was proactively searching for someone to go with. Admittedly, I reached out to a few female friends who are pretty easy on the eyes. I figured if I was gonna give someone a free ticket that I paid for, better it be a female than some dude. Ms. Cannoli saw these messages and honestly only God and her knows what else. Needless to say she was not happy about it. She woke me up, fully dressed and lights on, which was totally different from how things were before I passed out, and told me she was leaving. At this point, I was still clueless that all this had happened, until she said it was the last time I’d see her. As painful as that honestly was, I was in no condition to plead my case or appeal. Though I was confused, as great as things had been that night, why even take the chance of potentially ruining such a great high?

The things that she saw, to me, all completely non relevant people and conversations in my life. I never dated, slept with, licked, or touched any one that she saw me converse with. Though, I can understand why she’d feel the way she does, but it brings me to the point of this entire post. If you go looking for something negative, you will most assuredly find it. Why do we, distrustful of others, constantly feel the need to sabotage anything good that happens? Things can be taken completely out of context (one of the friends I reached out to shares the same name as me, she thought I was referring to her as my wife). The situation has however, helped me realize the importance of focusing on the positive and communicating. Then, it brings me 360 degrees the other way we I think how I would have reacted had I gone through her phone. But, I’m brought back to reality and stable ground when I realize I’d never go through her phone, because I fully understand the consequences.

Autumn is Coming

Starting today, everything you’ve known and loved will change. Your world will begin to shift on its axis. When you step outside and off your front porch, things will look and feel much differently than they have. At work, gone will should be your co-workers favorite pair of white pants. When you arrive home from work the sun won’t hang out with you as long anymore, if at all. Though if you do, make it home in time please take a moment to enjoy the wonderful dusk and breeze.

In the world of fantasy, some will play the Game of Throws where you can only win, never tie. We will pledge fealty to our Lords of Weekend and Wardens of the Sport. Saturday afternoons will consist of wings, ale, and your cities’ bannermen battling against the neighboring cities greatest warriors. Soon the Ice Walkers will be amongst us as well, battling for Lord Stanley’s Cup. We will dress in our most comfortable hoodies and light the biggest bonfires the night has ever seen! It is not quite here yet, but almost and things are surely changing. All your favorite items, for now, will come in pumpkin flavor. Summer has been great, lest we forget, not yet passed. But we must brace ourselves, Autumn is Coming.

autumn