Convince & Repeat

I’ve been away…

To deal with my affliction, as self diagnosed. However, I believe any clinical psychiatrist would agree. I don’t hear voices, but I must be insane. Truly, I must be. I mean, lots of artists & writers have dealt with mental illness. All the symptoms are there. The feelings of deja vu, repeating the same actions and expecting different results.

The adversity arises, year after year. I defeat it, send it back into the depths of obscurity and celebrate myself as cured. Things return to status quo for months, quarters at a time until the affliction returns to my realm.

Upon each return, it is more difficult to defeat than the last time. I’ve reached a point where I almost need it in my life, to feel normal, otherwise I’m a zombie…. lifeless and emotionless everyday, until it returns.

I receive nothing from it, instead I sacrifice who I am, my sanity as a whole… to appease…

… and to return to distant memories of when the affliction was but a flutter of naivety. Things weren’t always this way. But they have been, for quite some time now, the same. And as the affliction comes and goes, as does a piece of me each transition.

 

Photo Cred: Damian Michaels – The Road to Madness

Unhappy Fools

Wisdom is only gained through life experiences. Amidst the folly of youth, it’s often assumed that wisdom will be gained later in life. But sometimes, it is not. There are both young & old fools in the world. What is it that prevents a young fool from becoming a wise elder? Is it destiny? Or perhaps a curse of sorts, bestowed upon the young fool?

Bad decision after bad decision, repeating the same actions and hoping for different results. Isn’t that insanity? Or is it stupidity? Either way, eventually, the cycle should break… Right? After so many failures the pressure intensifies, weighing on one’s psyche. Insomnia and depression would be understandable, yet blissful ignorance only dulls the warning signs. How? 

If one cannot please one’s self, why instead is their happiness traded for the approval of others? A greek chorus of negative, miserable spectators never pleased with the events of the show. A petulant paparazzi encouraging and admiring only the worst behaviors.

Begin to value yourself. Eliminate drama. Ignore your foolish pride or be cursed to become an old fool.

Defense Tactics

I do not pray for my enemies.

I besiege their walls & wait for their downfall.

I will not love those, who do not love me.

I remember and will not forgive the lies until you’ve returned my wasted time.

Even still,

I bear no ill will,

But I won’t forgive,

I’ll just pretend.. the way you did.

Lifeless

All them likes, media fame & street cred
Behind closed doors he’s a deadbeat to his 3 kids
A weak man,
Far less than I see where there’s a mirror to peak in
But every weekend, he’s the street’s friend
I’ll pass
Rather,
cherish the moments
heretics have avoided
Guess at this point, I sort of built up a tolerance
seems that the only thing these niggas built up lately is followers
Pardon, bruh, I’ll try to meet you between proper use & ebonics
seems that the only thing some people built up lately is followers…
Speaking generally as a topic
more specifically these awful ass, terrible fathers
You know,
the one that hasn’t seen his son since he was still in diapers
Y’all are like zombies, literally deadbeats
Lifeless.

 

The Closet

Old post I felt needed some more shine

The Medici Files

The Closet in my head, I never use it anymore.

For I fear what may pop out if I should open up the door.

Full of things I had no space for, some I hoped I could just hide.

I’m afraid of what will happen, when there’s no more room inside.

I thought that I could forget them, if they all were out of sight.

Out of mind lost in the darkness since The Closet has no light.

But now recently, things thought to be put up have shown their face.

As I feared, the items inside must no longer know their place.

This is not what I had planned, to have to deal with them again.

All the problems of a wicked past, again must I contend?

It is clear there must be action, what I did before has failed.

The Closet must become a coffin, its contents hammered and nailed.

The Closet in my head’s still there, though not used anymore.

And it doesn’t linger…

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Pretty Penny

Her attention doesn’t come cheap, if you were expecting it easy. But not just the time itself, the qualifying requirements. Yeah you got your Masters but what’s up with that PhD? You bought a 4.0? Better get your change up.

She used to date this one nigga, he stayed in the streets heavy. Quarter pounders at a time, he used to keep a Big Mac. Til police kicked the door in, they shut down the whole trap. I think she was still in school then and had to deal with all that shit.

The years are starting to get to her. The physical blessings turn into curses cuz we slick stressed for time. Not everyone just wants to use you, must be hard to be fine. But do you really wanna say you lost your money and mind?

Just a matter of time before she falls back on me. But I don’t get the perks because she thinks I struggle with money. I have to listen to her stories, I roll up as she whines. And now, this once so pretty penny’s starting to lose all its shine.

Inspired by The Daily Post – Daily Prompt: Shine